Although the examples here are obviously incomplete, do know that research finds that as the relationship becomes more intimate, the messages communicating immediacy and affection, similarity and depth, trust, and composure also increase (Hale, Lundy, Mongeau 1989).
| CONTACT |
Hello.
Hi. | Surface-level messages that we use with just about everyone to acknowledge them |
| How are you? | Just another way of saying hello. We really don't want to hear about Sam's last operation |
| Didn't I see you here last week? | Phatic communion, an indirect attempt to make contact |
| May I join you for coffee? | A direct statement expressing the desire to make contact |
| |
| INVOLVEMENT |
| I like to cook too. | Establishing and talking about common interests |
| How are you? | A request for some (mostly positive) information, but not in too great detail |
| I'm having some difficulties at home; nothing really serious. | Low- to mid-level self-disclosures; nothing too serious will be discussed here |
I'd like to take you to dinner.
I'd like to get to know you. | Direct statements expressing the desire for involvement |
| |
| INTIMACY |
| We might go dancing. | Expression of togetherness ("we-ness") |
| How are you? | A request for significant information about health or feelings, especially if there's reason to believe there's been a recent change; a way of saying, "I care." |
| I'm really depressed. | Significant self-disclosure |
| I love you. | A direct expression of intimacy |
| |
| DETERIORATION |
| I can't stand . . . . | Negative evaluations increase |
| I'd like to start seeing others. | Direct statement expressing desire to reduce the present level of intimacy |
| Why don't you go to Kate and Allie's by yourself? | Expression of desire to separate in the eyes of others |
| You never listen to my needs. It was all your fault. | Fault-finding, criticism, and blaming |
| |
| REPAIR |
| Is this relationship worth saving? | Self-analysis; assessing the value of repair |
| We need to talk; our lives are falling apart. | Opening the issue of repair |
| Will you give up seeing Pat? | Negotiation; identifying what you want if the relationship is to survive |
| |
| DISSOLUTION |
| Good-bye. | The ultimate expression of dissolution |
| I want to end this relationship. | A direct statement expressing the desire to dissolve the relationship formally |
| I tried but I guess it wasn't enough. | Attempt to gain "social credit," approval from others |
