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If your sentences do not flow smoothly in your essay, you need to revise
for coherence. Look particularly at the links between sentences and paragraphs.
The following example is a passage from a student essay on three Chinese
films, each of which provides a “revolutionary model for contemporary
women.” The passage is in need of revision for coherence.
Original Passage
Esther C. M. Yau, in "International Fantasy and the 'New Chinese
Cinema'," explains that one of the major projects of the new "phenomenon
known as 'Chinese cinema of the 1980's'" concerns the "rewriting
of China's political and cultural complexities by young filmmakers"
(95). The revision of China's past culture was common, and Mary Ann
Farquhar proposes in "The 'Hidden' Gender in Yellow Earth,"
that "it was called 'new wine in old bottles' and writers were
to take traditional popular literature and art and re-write them with
a revolutionary content. In this way the concealed folk tradition was
to be made articulate and revolutionary" (158). Although Yellow
Earth involves the rewriting of folk songs it still relates because
by focusing on a feudal past, as both films do, the new filmmakers critique
China's current cultural state and influence a revolutionary change.
I would like to focus on involves how the films Yellow Earth
and Red Sorghum allow for a renegotiation of China's patriarchal
system and the role that women played in their society, and more specifically,
on how this renegotiation provide hope and revolutionary models for
contemporary women.
These themes first appear Yellow Earth, a Chinese film directed
by Chen Kaige which is a poignant story of fourteen year old Cuiqiao's
attempt to step outside of a patriarchal system and move into the saving
influence of a communist government, that allows women to learn to read,
write, and marry someone of their own choice. In her essay "Western
Analysis and a Non-Western Text," Esther C. M. Yau points out that
"the text shifts from a possible statement on class (backwardness
of peasants before the liberation) to a statement of culture (the closed
system of patriarchy) to locate the woman's tragedy" (71). Kaige
focuses on the affects of China's patriarchal beliefs on a village in
order to address the issue of how a young woman could not survive in
the patriarchy of either the village or the new government. The scenes
that I would like to focus on are the initial wedding ceremony, Cuiqiao's
continual journey to the Yellow River to draw water, Cuiqiao's drowning
in the Yellow River, and the final scene of the male water ceremony
Revised Passage
Esther C. M. Yau, in "International Fantasy and the 'New Chinese
Cinema'," explains that one of the major projects of the new "phenomenon
known as 'Chinese cinema of the 1980's'" concerns the "rewriting
of China's political and cultural complexities by young filmmakers"
(95). The revision of China's past culture was common to Chinese
Communist theory, and Mary Ann Farquhar proposes in "The
'Hidden' Gender inYellow Earth," that "it was called
'new wine in old bottles' and writers were to take traditional popular
literature and art and re-write them with a revolutionary content. In
this way the concealed folk tradition was to be made articulate and
revolutionary" (158). AlthoughYellow Earth involves the
rewriting of folk songs, the idea is relevant
to the other films, because by focusing on a feudal past, as
both films do, the new filmmakers critique China's current cultural
state and influence a revolutionary change. The
rewriting touches on many aspects of Chinese culture, such as economic
and political conditions, but what I would like to focus on involves
how the filmsYellow Earth and Red Sorghum allow for a
renegotiation of China's patriarchal system and the role that women
played in their society, and more specifically, on how this renegotiation
provides hope and revolutionary models for contemporary women.
These themes of female resistance and strength
first appearYellow Earth, a Chinese film directed by Chen Kaige,
a poignant story of fourteen year old Cuiqiao's attempt to step outside
of a patriarchal system and move into the saving influence of a communist
government that allows women to learn to read, write, and marry someone
of their own choice. In her essay "Western Analysis and a Non-Western
Text," Esther C. M. Yau points out that "the text shifts from
a possible statement on class (backwardness of peasants before the liberation)
to a statement of culture (the closed system of patriarchy) to locate
the woman's tragedy" (71). In other words,
Kaige focuses on the effects of China's patriarchal beliefs on a village
in order to address the issue of how a young woman could not survive
in the patriarchy of either the village or the new government. The scenes
that illustrate this idea the best include
the initial wedding ceremony, Cuiqiao's continual journey to the Yellow
River to draw water, Cuiqiao's drowning in the Yellow River, and the
final scene of the male water ceremony.
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