The following sentences are taken from actual student papers (in this case, the students of EN108 A and C, Emporia State University, Fall 1998). A possible revision of each sentence follows. What other revisions would work? Do the suggested revisions capture closely enough the original meaning? - Writing allows us to further our knowledge of the world around us and become aware of our social surroundings.
This sentence is wordy because "become aware of our social surroundings" strongly echoes "further our knowledge of the world around us."
Possible revision
Writing furthers our knowledge and awareness of our physical and social surroundings.
- The primary work that Ms. Jones will experience is the art of writing critiques on her students' writings
The opening phrase, "the primary work," sounds awkward against the rest of the sentence.
Possible revision
Ms. Jones will mainly be writing critiques of her students' writing.
- Students will often write required writings that fulfill a grade requirement towards graduation.
The strong sense of redundancy this sentence conveys comes from the repetition of "write/writings," "required/requirement," and "grade/graduation." The solution to revision is cutting the extra uses.
Possible revision
For many students, writing is a graduation requirement.
- Once hired, Stephanie was required to produce a syllabus which needed to include the learning objectives she intended for her students to accomplish.
This sentence's "Energizer Bunny" feel (it keeps going...) is created by a chain of phrases strung together. To bring the sentence under control, any redundant information should be removed.
Possible revision
Once hired, Stephanie had to write a syllabus that included learning objectives for the students.
- After the initial shock, they all went on offering an abundance examples and continued to assure me to capitalize on every opportunity to increase these essential [writing] skills.
This sentence, in context, begins with the writer's reaction to the amount of writing she will be required to do in her chosen profession. She records her own reaction in the same sentence that then continues with examples and advice given her by others in the profession. The sentence can be brought under control by clarifying these different events.
Possible revision
As I got over the initial shock, they offered abundant examples and encouraged me to take every opportunity to improve these essential writing skills.
- In my experience school writing is the most important skill one can have while trying to get an education and gain knowledge to use later on in the future with whatever life has in store.
Almost certainly, this writer was trying to stretch out a sentence in order to meet a minimum length requirement. What gives the sentence this feel is the running-on nature of every additional phrase, few of which say anything that an earlier phrase hasn't already covered. The sentence also feels awkward because of the pronoun shift from "my experience" to "skill one can have."
Possible revision
In my experience, writing is the most important skill both for getting an education and for whatever comes afterward.
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